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| Smize, though your heart is aching, smize even though it's breaking |
Best Cry Babies
There is always one girl in the house who will be reduced to tears at the drop of a hat. One of the episodes from cycle two is actually titled "The Girl Who Cries at the Drop of a Hat" which is coincidentally who I picked as biggest cry baby.
Winner: Catie (Cycle2) This is the living legend. Cried for everything, everything! Getting her hair cut, water works, getting chastised for talking shit, sob story, dangling from a harness x amount of feet about the ground, river of tears. I have included the latter in a clip below. I had a similar meltdown once on a ski lift at the State Fair. Catie ended up making it about half way through the show, her parting words when she got booted off were "I got my ass kicked off the show." Still makes me laugh.
Honorable mentions:
Gina (Cycle 6) Mean girls like Jade and Janice Dickinson could smell the weakness and went for her like a shark towards a girl on the heaviest day of her period. Poor girl learned the "snitches get stitches" mentality the hard way.
Brittany (Cycle 8) Man oh man this girl was a cry baby and an excuse machine. She blamed her shitty commercial performance on being hit by a car that ruined her short term memory but was called out by Dionne for remembering every line from a previous acting challenge. Parting words "I am usually not this emotional, I don't know why it came out here."
Hannah (Cycle 16) The show made a small montage of her tears, enough said.
Best Go-See Meltdown
Every cycle there is the much anticipated go-see. It is the time for a contestant to stand out and claim her territory as front runner. Unfortunately, for some it is a disaster.
Winner: Brittany (Cycle 8) She was honorable mention above but this lady definitely takes the cake for best go see meltdown. To say she lost her shit might be an understatement. This girl behaved like I do about three days into the Atkins Diet. Her unfortunate temper tantrum happened right outside of the go-see judging and blamed her disqualification on her taxi driver. I loved it when Natasha pulled the "Brittany, some people have war in their countries" card in her cute little Russian accent, it was all down hill from there.
Heather (Cycle9) No amount of amazing pictures could save her from those confusing streets of Shanghi. She was more lost than Moses.
Ann (Cycle 15) Ann looked the way I would look if I ever went on a go see. Disoriented, lost, frustrated, upset and really, really frizzy.
One of the Twins (Cycle 7) Once the dynamic duo decided to split up and do their own thing there were tears.
Best Overall Meltdown
Sometimes stress just gets the best of us.
Winner: Tyra Banks The winner of this is not a contestant but the host and creator of the show. Cycle 4 might just be the most dramatic cycle in terms of shit going down. There was Rebecca fainting in the middle of judging, the worst photo in the history of the show (I wonder if that has changed since) and let's not forget when Noelle freaked everyone out by saying Michelle's face issues were flesh eating bacteria. But, none of them compare to Trya bitching out Tiffany. Six words will live on in ANTM infamy "WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!!"
Basically any high maintenance girl who got her hair cut short. They cried so hard you'd think Christmas morning was canceled on account of daddy being in rehab.
Catie (Cycle 2)
Cassandra (Cycle 5)
Jaeda (Cycle 6)
Bianca (Cycle 9)
Oh and Anna (Cycle 2) Once she realized she would be spray painted naked it was over. She claimed only her husband was allowed "down there."
Best Import
Every once a while some sweet immigrant will come along and steal the viewers heart. Someone should do a study and compare how tough the country was vs. how well they compete.
Winner: Natasha (Cycle 8) After blowing everyone out of the water during a gender switching photo shoot Jay Manuel exclaimed "There is a reason why those Russian people compete and get gold!" Enough said.
Honorable Mentions:
Katarzyna (Cycle 10) From Poland. She looked like Kelly Kapowski
Fatima (Cycle 10) Baby Iman from Somalia. So pretty, so dumb for forgetting she had to make travel arrangements to go abroad.
Anya (Cycle 10) She was from Hawaii but still sounded like she was from some other place to me. Ma-halo!
Best Divas
Winner: Robin (Cycle1) The first diva to grace the show. Her best moments include reading Bible verses about non believers to "militant atheist" Elyse. Staying in the room to protect herself from catching the gay bug when Ebony's girlfriend came down to visit, got upset when someone asked her if she was a virgin and you could tell she couldn't say no because then she'd be a liar AND a floozy, read the bible during what was supposed to be a social challenge and refered to the men as something like Fat Daddies. The best one though was when she paid some random man in Paris to be her escort so she wouldn't get lost during go-sees. She got flack for it from Tyra but everyone knows there is a scripture in the Bible that reads "Woman who hath voluptuous ba donk a donk need not find her own way but rather shall pay a stranger to help her find it" then all the angels sang and it was good. Hallelujah.
Camille (Cycle 2, 17) She was really good at rope-a-doping girls. She would go from bitch to angel then she would snap right back to bitch and tell Tyra you had an eating disorder.
Jade (Cycle 5) Thank You for believing in me
Best Round the Way Girl
I have such a soft spot in my heart for hood girls. I couldn't pick a winner, so I just listed my favorites and their best lines.
Brandy (Cycle 4) "If I didn't get kicked off this show I would beat your ass!"
Tiffany (Cycle 4) "Bitch got beer on my weave!"
Jaslene (Cycle 8) " I ain't never been nowhere except for from the hood and around the corner!"
Bianca (Cycle 9) "Check your thighs at the door, and I'm done."
Angelea (Cycle 14,18) "I know how to be professional, I've worked at a bank!"
Best Ivy Leaguer
Some women swim at the deep of the gene pool by having beauty and brains. Those bitches.
Winner: Jane (Cycle 15) Princeton and modeling were always her dream. She took time off from Princeton to be in this competition. She wishes she could have seen "The Last Supper" because she majored in History at Princeton. Did she mention she went to Princeton?
Honorable Mentions:
Elyse (Cycle 2) She didn't go to an Ivy League school but she would use her pre-med science speak when talking about modeling. She also called Ms. J a shit slice (see Biggest Diva clip) and Kimora Le called her a know it all.
Yaya (Cycle 3) Went to Brown, sited poetry as she did her Cover Girl photo to feel more "Tee hee hee hee hee."
Victoria (Cycle 9) She went to Yale and verbally abused poor sweet Twiggy. "Let's get one thing straight here, I do not have a prickly disposition."
Best Type A Personalities
Some girls wake up every morning, do cardio for one hour, only eat whole clean foods and have their vibrator drawer arranged by color, shape, size and battery life. Some of these girls also get cast on Top Model.
Winner: April (Cycle 2) I couldn't find a video that would do her justice so just take my word for it. She would obsess over every challenge, would call her boyfriend to cry about not doing well enough and stay up for hours to learn a line. In the end she got disqualified for being too robotic. Go figure.
Honorable Mentions:
Christina (Cycle 4) Over thought everything. I don't even know what more to say.
Melrose (Cycle 7) Everyone hated her, but by golly she didn't care!
Most Loved
What is Top Model without our most beloved contestants?
Laura (Cycle 13) Laura was a whole lot of country and little bit rock and roll. She could tell someone to fuck off but you'd never realize it. She was voted most liked contestant of the whole series and got her rent payed for one year in a New York apartment. I guess being kind can pay off!
Toccara (Cycle 3) All of the judges agreed that she was booted off way too early. If any plus size model deserved to win this, it should have been her.
Analeigh (Cycle 11) For the most part I think this cycle is forgettable but a lot of people adored Analeigh. Especially since she has a pretty big role in "Crazy Stupid Love." Once she learns how to close her mouth she is going straight to the top.
Best Holy Shit look how amazing that girl is sitting on the toilet contestant.
Every couple of seasons there is one girl who comes along that every guest judge, designer and fan thinks is AH-MAZING at anything and everything she does. She could pick her nose and they would be like: "Stunning! she is just amazing and fierce."
Winner: Alison (Cycle 13, 17) My friend Andre wrote Tyra hate mail after she was runner up for the second time. He says Top Model is dead to him now. When watching All-stars it seemed as though Andre's love for Alison was shared by many other fans as well. Da Game and everyone who photographed and interviewed her were totally smitten as well.
Honorable Mentions:
Michelle (Cycle 7) Her twin wanted it more, but she was the more natural talent, she got really far without even trying.
Heather (Cycle 9) Everyone loved her, except for that one guy who designed a dress for her and she was mad because she was more of a fire sign.
Ann (Cycle 15) She was tall, gawky and the lowest confidence I have ever seen on a person but people were obsessed with her, so much so she won the whole thing!
Best unsung star of the show
The Editing They made it possible for everyone to see what really happens in the he said she said predicaments (for instance when Brittany from Cycle 8 said she told the cab driver to meet her on one street but she really didn't), they never let the scenes run on too long and basically just made the whole show fun and hilarious. Seriously, the show can be hilarious watch it next time you are not sober.
Best personal Top Model moment
When I saw Celia from Cycle 13 in a silk red dress at Coachella and yelled, "Hey Celia." She didn't tip her hat but she did wave.
I hope you enjoyed my Top Model Retrospective! Thanks for making it all the way to the end!
