Spanx for the Memories: The Life of Rhoda D. Ramone: Eyebrows: Or Loosing My Temper

I have a bad temper. Over the past few years I have tried to come into adulthood, keep my temper at bay, calm down and count to ten. I call this "loosing my temper" in the same way that people loose weight because I think it makes me sound clever, but in reality I have just gotten better at hiding the fact that I am about to loose my shit. I first realized that I needed to work on controlling my anger when I moved in with my boo, Charlie. One night I got mad and threw a drinking cup, shattering shards of glass and water all over the kitchen. His reaction to the situation was enough to make me never throw any breakable item again, so now when I get really angry I just go into the bathroom and throw plastic bottles of things at my shower curtain until I feel better. This is a good strategy because you don't have to clean anything up and if by chance a shampoo bottle explodes, you just turn on the shower and wash it all down the drain. See, it is all about hiding the crazy!

For the most part over time I have grown a longer fuse and certain things don't bother me as much anymore. There are a few exceptions to this rule though. Most of them have to do with certain people, but I wont go there. The other two situations are enough to make me drown forty gallons of Herbal Essence down the drain. The first is people touching my face, especially if they have dirty hands. I cannot stand when people cup my face in their hands and say something sweet, the sentiment is always lost on me because behind the smile I am secretly calculating how to kill them and wondering when I am gonna be home to be able to wash my face. I think I get so irate because I am bat shit insane when it comes to my skin I am not ashamed to admit this. The women at the Estee Lauder counter love me because they know I am a loyal customer who is willing to break dance on a card board box if that was the only way I would be able to pay for my face care products. I refuse to step foot in a tanning salon or stay out in the sun without sunscreen too long for fear of aging too quickly. Go ahead and judge me, I will just console myself by watching this scene from "Mommy Dearest" and telling myself I am not this bad. I do however admire her intense commitment and wonder if I will ever get to this point.

The second way to ensure a Hulk like rage is when estheticians wax my eyebrows way too thin. I cannot stand it! My face is fat enough as it is, I don't need thin eyebrows to remind myself of the excess real estate on my face. I always go in and tell them "I like my eyebrows on the thicker side" and they always smile and say "of course, we will just clean em up" then I walk out looking like an extra from Mi Vida Loca and want to shank someone. Seriously, laugh if you will but tears have been shed over a botched waxing job. The pain is fresh because it just happened this week and I sobbed and cursed out the lady who did them while alone in my car for about a half hour. I should have known she was a stupid bitch when she praised the amazing acting talents of Kristin Stewart, what a dumb cunt. Maybe someday I will achieve Nirvana and not sweat the small stuff so much, but until then enjoy this little comparison.

Acceptable eyebrows: